Mens Room Etiquette

I was out with friends the other day, and after having consumed a few pints of a beverage I couldn’t be without, I found myself requiring the use of the bathroom (Why is it called the Bathroom? I’ve never seen a bath in a public convenience? It’s almost as stupid as calling it a ‘Restroom’. I certainly don’t do much resting in there. Ad why is it that women’s bathrooms get nice comfy chairs in theirs? They get toilet roll, telephones, loungers and probably big screen TV’s in their bathrooms. We don’t do we? Anyway, we are getting away from the point here). So I wandered off to the quaintly labeled “studs” room (Lets not even get started on some of the silly names people name their WC’s in an effort to be ‘clever’. It’s a bog. It’s where you go to unload. No amount of clever names is going to stop the wafting smell of stale urine coming from these places.).

So in I go, looking neither left nor right, except to identify the urinal use situation. I have split seconds upon laying eyes on the scene to decide where my footsteps should take me. While I was making this decision it occurred to me that there are specific rules on urinal choice, and all of these flash through your head in an instant. An example of this would be – if there are 4 urinals, and number 1 and number 4 are being used, which one do you choose? Number 2 is the answer, or whoever looks like they are getting done first. If you are in a situation where there are 5 urinals, and one next to a wall is open, then you always take that one, unless you can get one with one open either side. See how complicated this is girls? Think yourself lucky you don’t have to deal with all this. And lets not get onto the subject of splash back – every guys worst nightmare, especially when wearing chinos.

The rules are there, and it gets very awkward very quickly if you break them. Sometimes you can’t wee, (and usually if you are in the bathroom, the need is pretty great) or someone may take an undue interest in you. God forbid.

Guys bathrooms are NOT a place for social interaction. The odd commercial transaction might take place, such as the purchasing of certain rubber goods, or possibly even various noxious substances. But that’s it. We don’t go in there and primp ourselves. We don’t discuss our dates hair styles, or current events, or even “what about them Bears eh?”. It’s just not done. We go in, we do the business, we stare at the wall (incidentally, those?places that put up pages of the newspaper over the urinals, good on you. That’s a very good idea. I was in one place in Vegas that actually had a slot machine over the urinals. My question is, what do you do if you win?), we might whistle tunelessly, and depending on our desperation / intoxication, we might even leave without washing our hands.

It’s all very confusing, and what’s worse is that no one ever sits you down and explains the rules to you. You just have to pick them up as you go along. It’s stressful, and you women should cut us some slack over the whole issue, and not complain when we ask you to wear shorter skirts. I’m not sure exactly where that last request came from, but hey, since we are asking for some understanding, we might as well go for it right?

And lets not even get started on booth etiquette. We could be here all night on that subject.

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